Break hearts, not promises.
I want to promise you that these will stop being so heavy, but I don’t know that I can.
I want to promise you that things will be better soon, but I don't know what better looks like or when soon is.
Today, I was standing on a street corner, waiting to cross, being plagued by my own thoughts when I just yelled “fuck this!”
It felt right, good even, to just say out loud what I was feeling. Now, it probably wasn’t great that I was standing in front of an Elementary School playground. Though I do secretly hope that one of those kids heard me, filed it away, and that in 10 or so years in a moment of frustration they'll remember me and think “Wow, I thought that lady was nuts, but I get it now.” Or maybe I hope that in 10 or so years, young adults won't be stretched thin and broken hearted like I am now.
But fuck what exactly?
Everything. All of this. Pretending to be people we’re not, being afraid of what people think of who we are. Unrealistic expectations. I’m over it. All of it.
But it’s not like it’s something that I can REALLY opt out of. As much as I, in my moment on that street corner frustration vowed to just let that shit go, it’s already creeping back in. It’s only been a handful of hours and I’ve already second guessed myself at least 45 times.
I’ve been replaying conversations that I've had the past few days. Over thinking the ways that people respond, or don’t respond to me. I've been feeling so many things that aren't mine to feel, but I'm choosing to feel them anyway. It just feels right to hope in ways that put my heart on the line. It just feels right to love indiscriminately. This "whole-hearted" thing is literally living in a way that each day you risk your heart shattering.
But it's good. So good.
I’m absolutely willing to accept the fact that I will almost always love people more than they love me, and I think that it’s absolutly worth it. People are worth it. Even when I'm done. So done.
This weird cycle, this awkwardly painful, yet absolutely necessary process is messy. So messy. And sometimes it all seems to be for no reason.
I want to promise you that I'll do better. That I'll be better. For me yes, but also for all of us. But I look around and I honestly don't know that I can, and I refuse to make a promise that I don't know I can keep.
So here's what I can promise: I promise to never stop trying. I promise to never stop loving. I promise that the I heart that I'll break most often is my own, because the risk is worth it.
I love you absolutely,