What Are You Really Afraid Of? [Getting Unstuck]
I currently have 22 drafted blog posts.
I keep starting and stopping and have no clue what to say, how I'm feeling or what matters.
I feel stuck. Committed to the project, with lots of thoughts and feelings, but no clue as to how to make sense of it all or get it on paper.
I'm a perfectionist. I wanted, no I needed whatever I was working on to feel right.
But I've decided that whatever this post turns into is what I'm going to post. It's gonna be 5 days late. It going to be kind of a mess. It's going to be absolutely imperfect.
Why am I stuck? I have an idea.
My word for 2018 is Body. And that focus has led to me being more aware of my body, what it does well, and what it doesn't do so well, how it feels, how it looks.
But I think I need to get out of it. I need to get out of my body in order to get back into it.
Lately I've been doing more thinking than doing, and can feel that in my body. Maybe too much thinking. Here are some of those thoughts:
One of my biggest fears is letting people in.
"How do I make this deep and meaningful?"
"Will they be scared away?"
"What if I tell them things about me and they turn it on me later?"
One of my biggest fears is letting people down.
I keep my promises above all else.
It's really important that people know they can count on me.
I'm painfully punctual.
One of my biggest fears is being let down.
"You said you'd be there, but you weren't."
What if no one answers when I need someone?
How do I know who to trust and who not to?
One of my biggest fears is being stuck.
What if this is it?
What if they never come around?
What if things never get better?
One of my biggest fears is not making a difference.
I need to be needed.
I need to know that I'm making a difference
Does this really change anything?
But what am I REALLY afraid of?
"What if they think I'm too intense?"
"What if they don't mean as much to me as I mean to them?"
"What if the people I love, find out that I love them?"
"Why can't I just tell them that?"