Time to Make a Wish
Even those of you who know me well might not know that my new year is in September. I think that January 1st is arbitrary, and choose to instead focus on who I am and the years that I've lived. It wasn't really a conscious choice, but being born in early September, my birthday was always around the first day of school, and often the High Holy Days, maybe it’s my synesthesia (I understand time as distance and distance as time, it’s confusing, but kinda cool. I can also smell and taste sounds. That one’s weird) , who knows, but for whatever reason, I’ve always felt like September was the beginning of the year.
I have a lot of birthday related anxiety, therefore I have a lot of birthday related ritual.
I tell people things that I’ve been holding onto.
Like to the point where I often find myself apologizing to people in my life for things that they hadn't even registered. It’s not about them, it’s about me.
I spend as much of the day as possible offline.
#NotificationAnxiety is real y’all. I love the feeling of people I love remembering that this is a day that should be celebrated, but the obligation of joy and happiness is overwhelming.
If I’m in a space where people don’t know it’s my birthday, I’m not going to be the one to tell them.
Whether I want to or not, I feel incredibly raw on my birthday. 96.5% of my birthdays have contained someone or something making me cry, not happy tears. If you’re into math, you know that that’s all but 1. That one was this one.
In my mind, it’s just another day. But one where I choose to be more aware and reflective.
This birthday was good. It was also incredibly simple. I had work, and meetings, and class. I didn’t really do anything special. Although there were surprise cakes and cupcakes. My favorite part has been the marshmallow toasts*.
And at the end of the day before I go to bed I make a wish. it would be more accurate to say I set a goal I still believe in the power of the birthday wish. what I don’t believe, is that if I share it with you it won’t come true. I believe that when you live in community, sharing your wishes actually makes it more likely to come true.
So here goes nothing...
I wish that someday I’ll feel fully like myself and that some “place” will feel fully like home.
In other words, this is the year that I allow myself to put down roots. This is a big wish, with lots of small parts. I don’t expect that in the next 51 weeks i’ll suddenly discover who I am, I’m basically resolving to start making my choices differently. To start living like I live here. Sorry Chicago, I guess we’re not through with each other just yet.
Here’s to 27 revolutions around the sun, y’all.