What Does It Mean to Be "All In"?
If you know anything about me, you might know that when it comes to connection, I go hard. I love hard. I commit hard. Actually, you might not know that about me, because I tend to shy away from being honest with my feelings when it matters.
If you know a little more about me, you might also know that that terrifies me, because every bit of emotional energy that i give away, that I extend to those around me, that I lend, there's a chance I ain't getting it back, and as someone with anxiety, that's a potentially devastating risk. But here's something that I realized recently, I'm not actually doing myself any favors by being conservative with my love, my joy, my hope, my empathy, or my energy. I thrive on giving those things away. Like the true Enneagram 2w1, INFJ, Words of Encouragement/Acts of Service, woman that I am, I love to shower others with my energy, then hide in a dark room to make more.
So, in 2018, I'm going All In.
What does it mean for me to be all in?
All in with myself.
I don't trust myself. I don't like myself. I struggle to love myself. I'm hard on myself. I'm not very kind to myself. But 2018 Bri is going to work on that.
2018 Bri is going to be on her own team. Not on a team by herself, goodness no, 2013-2107 Bri worked real to hard to get away from that, but I'm going to be putting intentional effort into taking care of me. From complicated projects, like finally getting to the bottom of all of my food allergies and dietary restrictions, to simple things, like actually buying clothes that I like not just what's on clearance or what "feels appropriate".
All in with those around me.
As someone with anxiety, I spend a lot of time wondering what others REALLY think of me. Worrying that I've said or done something that they kinda didn't like. Waiting for the day that that something ruins the friendship. I have that fear, because it's happened before, more than once. And not just in a way where I lost a friend, but in a way where the friends that I lost actively sought to make sure I ended up alone and isolated. ( See: "I've Been Friends With Some Real Terrible People" Coming Soon )
For 2018 Bri, going all in means, trusting that people who tell me they care mean it. It means not being afraid to call when I need someone. It means being my whole self around people, and creating a safe space for them to be their whole selves around me. It means taking that grace that I'm giving to myself, and extending it to my framily twenty-billion fold.
All in with my experiences.
I pride myself on being present, which I am, but I have a really bad habit of holding back. Not chiming in on conversations that don't seem "me". Policing my behavior, not laughing as loudly as I'd like to, singing along, or dancing when the mood strikes me. I'm over it. I want to dance more, laugh more, cry more, speak up more, say "Love you!" more. I just want to BE more.
In 2018, I'm challenging myself to do one thing each week that scares me. What these things will be, I don't know yet. I'll let you know how it goes.