All in Personal
The past few weeks in my life have been shitty. Not bad. A lot of good things have happened. In fact, great things have happened, but I'm having a hard time and can barely enjoy them, read: shitty.
Those of you who know me know that my new year is in September. I think that January 1st is arbitrary, and choose to instead focus on who I am and the years that I've lived. It wasn't really a conscious choice, but being born in early September, my birthday was always around the first day of school, and often the High Holy Days, maybe it’s my synesthesia (I understand time as distance and distance as time, it’s confusing, but kinda cool. I can also smell and taste sounds. That one’s weird) , who knows, but for whatever reason, I’ve always felt like September was the beginning of the year.
I'm choosing to let my life be ruled by love, and not fear, because what do I really have to be afraid of? I'm freeing myself up to be open, honest, and authentic without fear of judgement. I'm letting go of that which does not serve me, including overthinking, unhealthy obligation, and caring what others think of me. I'm granting myself permission to take a step back and truly begin to process everything that's happened.
I currently have 22 drafted blog posts.
I keep starting and stopping and have no clue what to say, how I'm feeling or what matters.
I feel stuck. Committed to the project, with lots of thoughts and feelings, but no clue as to how to make sense of it all or get it on paper.
I've been trying to spend as much time as possible outside of my home.
I'm trying to learn from the vastness and infinite possibility that "outside" represents.
I'm gonna spoil the end of this post by just saying up front, it will almost always be worth it. Even if you don't get what you want, even if things don't go how you'd planned, in my experience, trying to connect with someone will (almost) always be worth it. If nothing else, you'll learn something about yourself, and maybe have a cool story to tell.
Sometimes, it feels like I'm trapped in a narrative that doesn't quite feel like mine, and let me tell you that its exhausting trying to live up to an idealized version of yourself. To feel like I need to justify my decisions and behaviors because they're "not characteristic of me", or to feel pressure to explain myself to people because who I actually am doesn't quite fit their understanding of who I should be? Exhausting!
I didn't forget about this space. I've actually been thinking about it a lot. There's also been a lot going on that I've needed to process elsewhere, in other ways. My life looks pretty different today than it did when we spoke last. As stressful, and painful, and confusing as this process has been, I'm grateful for it. I'm not being vague for no reason, I just think that there are many ways that I could tell that story, and if I'm going to so it, I need to make sure that I do it well.
But why are we here today? We're half way through 2018, and I have a confession to make.
i'm a people pleaser. and a recovering perfectionist.
at the start of this project i made a commitment (to myself) that this would always be more about the feelings than the writing.
message over words.
I've learned something recently.
I don't take rejection well. I understand that most sentient beings don't, but I've learned that I really don't take rejection well. I just... don't.